Common Knowledge: NFL Offseason Continues

Posted: April 15, 2013 in NFL, Real Talk
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Well, hello, football fans!  How have you been spending your Sundays since the end of the NFL season?

JJ Watt of the Houston Texans.

Practicing your singing skills?

The AstroDome, half lit during the Superbowl.

Doing some home improvement?

Tim Tebow runs shirtless on the beach.

Spending a little time on the beach?

Charlie Batch cries onto Ben Rothelisberger's shoulder after the Steelers beat the Ravens.

Weeping openly??

Us too.  US. TOO.

And yeah, we know, we’ve missed you all the last few months. Things just keep happening to us! But we’re back, and stay tuned for some off-season features and additions to the good stuff you can find here at Halftimes.

In the meantime, here are ten facts we’re aware of.

1. The UW Huskies have landed a 4-star quarterback from the high school draft class. And he’s got moves.

2. Wes Welker has signed with the Denver Broncos. In related news, Peyton Manning will play in the next Superbowl, and I’ve only got twenty reasons to hate the New England Patriots.

3. Percy Harvin has signed with the Seattle Seahawks. In related news, RUSSELL WILSON will play in the next Superbowl, and Dean has another reason to love the Hawks.

4. This year’s draft class has no home-run quarterbacks. Hence the QB-shuffle happening around the league.

5. Arizona Cardinals love them some old quarterbacks. How long has Carson Palmer been in the league? The Cards are fingers-crossed that they pick up another Kurt Warner. Is Kurt Warner available? Guess not.

6. Chip Kelly hasn’t changed all his feathers. Patrick Chung and Dennis Dixon, both Oregon Duck alums, have joined the roster of the Philly Eagles.  The more things change, the more they…?

7. RG3 may be super-human. Because he’s already healthy enough for inspiring commercials.

8. This is Philip Rivers’ last season to next-level his game. There’s no link for this.  It’s just common knowledge in San Diego.

9. Rob Chudzinski has the worst job in football. Did you click the link? Yeah. He’s the new head coach of the Cleveland Browns. Sorry, buddy. Gonna be a long year.

10. No matter how hard we try, neither one of us can care about basketball. It’s been a tough couple months.

And here are our bold, based-on-that-good-old-gut-feeling predictions for the 2013 NFL season:

Dean says: “Football in Seattle, on the college and professional levels, is going to be the most entertaining football in any city in the country.” BOLD.

Jenny says: “Chip Kelly’s Eagles have at least 10 wins this season.” BOLD.

What are your football predictions? Did we miss any important facts? Leave them in the comments below!

An Alternate History of Superbowl XLVII

Posted: February 14, 2013 in NFL
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And so it was, in the middle.

And so it was, in the middle.

I picked up Ty and Brett and we headed to the best of the season’s many, many bars: Hamilton’s. Dean had beaten us there, and Dillon was on time, as ever. In the two hours we spent before kick-off, so much happened. We filled in 62 of the 81 squares of Dean’s Super Bowl Fortune Teller. Only four of those squares referenced Joe Flacco in a derogatory way. A guy at the booth behind us tried to drink out of a hot sauce bottle and had to be force-fed dark beer and milk to stop his crying. We heard a rumor–a rumor!–that RG3′s new knee was actually constructed of mechanical parts. That could think. And thus he had to pass a special battery of tests before he was allowed back on the field. Seemed fair to us, at the time.

And then: the game began.

The Niners elected to receive, but couldn’t move the ball down field. No worries. It’s a long game.

And then: the Ravens scored on their first possession. This was not so good. And also, appeared on Dean’s Super Bowl Fortune Teller. We still weren’t concerned. Coincidence.

Roarin' Ray Lewis. (Getty)

Roarin’ Ray Lewis. (Getty)

But the first half belonged to the Ravens, and as it wore on, so slow, so kind-of-upsetting-even-though-Dillon-was-the-only-one-actually-cheering-for-the-Niners, we got distracted. We distracted ourselves. One of our number paid for a beer with kisses. Of course, that’s allowed when the bartender is a stranger there. One of our number made plans to dance on the bar during Beyonce’s halftime show. (This plan was quickly abandoned when Beyonce got on stage. That girl has moves that can’t be beat.)

At halftime, Twitter reported that Michael Crabtree took a long, hard look at himself in the mirror. And admitted to his team that he was a diva. And vowed to have over 100 receiving yards by game’s end.

And it seemed like the end of the show. But strangely, Dean’s Super Bowl Fortune Teller had been working. Were we nervous? No. We were all drunk–it was the Superbowl. But when the lights went out in the Dome…when the lights went out, we started trying to add positive predictions to the sheet. Like, “it’s a good season for tangerines.” And, “Kaep’s tattoos are proven to just be a painted shirt.” (In our state, that seemed positive.) And we fiercely crossed out “Katrina’s ghosts kill everyone,” along with “The Niners win, but San Francisco is destroyed in a tsunami.” We realize it might have been too late.

 

This is the moment it all came down to. This is the moment my favorite rookie running back shits himself, a little. This is the roar of the crowd, the roar of the bar, when it turns out James isn’t fast enough to make the world spin faster. In fact, he’s not fast enough to escape the beasts of the Baltimore backfield bearing down on him.

Don’t let anyone tell you that after that play, the night could have ended differently. That it could have ended without Ray Lewis hoisting the Vince Lombardi trophy. That it could have ended without me weeping openly. (Didn’t you SEE that Budweiser commercial? Please. My heart is not made of steel.) That it could have ended without a brotherly back-slap leading to a brotherly face-slap leading to a full-blown brotherly wrestling match, right at midfield. Once James lost the ball, all those outcomes were ordained.

And us? How did we handle being the instrument of fate? Of creating the future, one tiny square inked in purple at a time? Like any sensible human would. By taking a cab to another bar, and starting all over again.    [JMS]

 

(Editor’s note: Hey, it’s called an “Alternate History” for a reason, football fans. Many of the events described above did not happen. But stayed tuned for a few more Alternate Histories. They’ll have a few things in common, anyways.)

The Super Pool Fortune Teller Machine

Posted: February 3, 2013 in Game of the Week, NFL
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Image

Well folks, it’s Super Bowl Sunday, which means it is the greatest day of the year, if you like the 49ers or the Ravens. Or the Harbaughs. IT’S A SUP-HAR-BOWL! But if you don’t care for either team (like this guy), then the best way to enjoy the game (besides drinking amazing beer, eating dip and chicken wings, and playing shuffleboard at Hamilton’s) is to gamble! Ah, the old fashioned rush of dopamine! The thrill of losing $5, but winning $80! Then I thought, what if you’re a gambling addict? Or even worse, what if you are a gambling addict that hates the 49ers AND the Ravens? Well, that’s where the Super Pool Fortune Teller Machine comes in. It’s a nifty device.

Just like a regular pool, you fill in the numbers 0-9 along the top row and far-left column. And like a regular pool, you use the last numbers of the score to determine which box is a winner. Unlike a regular pool, you don’t put your names in the boxes.

Instead, you use the boxes to predict the future. I mean, this has some heavy implications. What if you you write in the square that meets up with the Ravens’ 9 and the 49ers’ 6 (because the score will be something like 76-9, San Fran) that the streets will, “…crack through in havoc-split ravines/As the doomstruck city crumbles block by block:/The hour is crowed in lunatic thirteens”?  

Well, shit, it could happen.

The Super Pool Fortune Teller Machine is pretty powerful. Like scary powerful. There is a long lost Buffy, the Vampire Slayer episode where Buffy and the Gang had to stop Jonathan from releasing a dark and evil demon because of the Super Bowl outcome. I mean, it’s that serious. So, be forewarned about this whole “game.”

If you need help with some potential future events, you can use some of the one’s I came up with over the past week. I was trying to make an example pool, but it turns out that I am not very talented when it comes to creating pools from scratch and it is also really hard to think of 81 different potential future events. (Life must have been rough for Nostradamus.) So, dear reader, use the image above, print it out, write in some of the things below in any square, and watch what happens.

AGAIN, BE VERY CAREFUL–THIS IS A FORTUNE TELLER.*

  • Britney Spears appears and steals Beyoncé’s weave and names it Federline
  • The Doritos commercial and the Pepsi commercial have a baby called Diabetes
  • Ray Lewis is found hiding in a trunk, again
  • Wayne LaPierre has cooties that are diabolical and evil
  • Zombie. Apocalypse.
  • Joe Flacco is proving to be as disappointing as ever
  • Michael Crabtree discovers what a diva is after looking in the mirror
  • Colin Kaepernick makes Joe Flacco cry just ‘cause
  • LaMichael James runs so fast the earth spins faster
  • The Harbaugh’s reveal their plan to take over the world
  • Los Angeles gets a football team and loses it a week later to no one
  • Why is Cam Newton on the field trying to play?
  • Cory Booker saves a child from falling off the upper deck
  • Is there seriously another commercial now?
  • Why can’t Bob Costas be speaking right now?
  • Look! Lance Armstrong is sulking in the corner!
  • That pound of wings will lead to a purchase of Tums
  • The season premiere of Girls was more exciting than this game
  • This game is more exciting than taking mushrooms at Disneyland
  • The entire city of Baltimore is chanting bullshit so loudly it can be heard in Albuquerque
  • The population of San Francisco is so unruly, the San Andres fault went off
  • Carmen San Diego is hiding out in San Diego
  • Philip Rivers wishes he was good enough to be on TV right now
  • I have a girlfriend and her name is Réal
  • Analysts say that a Seahawks game would have been way, way better
  • Joe Flacco sprains his thumb and can’t play. Ben Roethlisberger laughs, and laughs, and laughs
  • Banshees come out of nowhere and everyone dies

*Dean is not responsible for any outcome of your Super Pool Fortune Teller. If any of the above incidents come true, it is not his fault. Do not blame him.

A Superbowl Wishlist

Posted: January 30, 2013 in NFL
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Mama, may I? (Getty)

Mama, may I? (Getty)

Oh my gosh, football fans, how excited are we for the Superbowl?!?!  Dean and I are having the toughest time deciding where to watch a shiny new NFC power take on a proven, battle-tested AFC squad. How will Russell Wilson fare against corners like Ike Taylor and free safety/ super human Troy Polamalu?? Will Big Ben and his elite receivers be able to torch the scrappy Seattle defense? Can the Steelers defense contain BeastMode Lynch?

Wait, what’s that? Seattle and Pittsburgh aren’t facing off in the New Orleans-hosted Superbowl? In fact, the Steelers didn’t even make the g*damn playoffs? In fact, the entire city of Seattle had its heart broken by a last-second, second-time’s-a-charm field goal? Well, shit. No wonder I’ve been so depressed and have been neglecting this blog.

So the question we face now, legions of football fans with no horse in the race, is how to get EXCITED about the BIGGEST GAME of the YEAR! (Step one: lots of capitalizations and exclamation points.) Dean and I will be posting a few ideas over the coming days. For today, here’s my little wish list of things I’d like from this Superbowl. What’s on your list? LEAVE YOUR LIST IN THE COMMENTS!!!! (excitement.)

1. LaMichael James scores two touchdowns.

Future King. (Getty)

Future King. (Getty)

Yes. That is my number one wish. I know I’ve written many words about this young running back out of Oregon, but he’s worthy of them all. Even though his Twitter feed is a little weird.

2. We see Colin Kaepernick without his shirt on.

And I’m not talking about in the locker room. Like, someone rips his jersey on the field. Man’s got some sweet tats. See image above.

3. Ray Lewis gets a massive leg cramp doing that ridiculous dance.

I am a STEELERS FAN.

4. A sports broadcaster gets tongue-tied making  jokes.

There is a guy in Vegas whose job it’ll be to count the number of times these phrases are used: Harbaugh Bowl. Har Bowl. Super Baugh. Say this four times fast, excited, and a little dumb, like a sportscaster: Harbowl! Harbowl! Harbowl! Harbowl! It sounds like HORRIBLE. SUPER BOO!

5. Someone at Hamilton’s buys me a drink.

Good odds on this one, lads. Good odds.

What’s your big wish for this BIG GAME?    [JMS]

Divisional Championship Weekend: Lesser of Four Evils

Posted: January 20, 2013 in NFL, Real Talk
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This poor guy. (Getty)

This poor guy. (Getty)

Oh my god I think I hate football this week. 1. All of the teams I thought I could cheer for in the Superbowl lost between Saturday and Sunday. 2. The greatest Oregon coach of my lifetime pulled an about-face worthy of a Gemini and is leaving the Ducks for the Philly Eagles. I cannot become an Eagles fan, despite the charms of Marky Mark’s Invincible and Bradley Cooper’s Jennifer Lawrence’s Silver Linings Playbook. 3. The star wide receiver for the Niners, last team that could possibly claim my interest (more on that in a minute), is being questioned in a sexual assault case. I will not leap to judgement, but still. Yet. Gross. And 4. Manti Te’o. Yes, I was on Twitter as the news of his dead fake girlfriend broke. Or was it fake dead girlfriend? Or was it public whirlwind of pain and humiliation? In any case, it left a sour damn taste in my mouth.

What to do? I’m like, in case you hadn’t noticed, a professional sports blogger these days, so instead of burying my head under a rock until August, I’m going to provide a thorough, objective preview of the two divisional championship games this Sunday. By deciding which of the four teams has a better Oregon alum on the roster.

AFC: Baltimore Ravens at New England Patriots

That is a big man. (Getty)

That is a big man. (Getty)

Haloti Ngata is the starting nose tackle for the Baltimore Ravens. And he is pretty good at his job–the Ravens slapped a franchise tag on him in 2011, with a five year deal worth 60 million bucks. Also playing for the Ravens is tight end Ed Dickson, who was productive in Oregon and has over 200 receiving yards this year alone. Over on the Patriots side of the field is safety Patrick Chung. Man once had fifteen tackles in a single game, and he’s had four interceptions this year. But he’s been injury-prone throughout his four years in the pros.

EDGE: BALTIMORE   Final score: Ravens 28, Patriots 24

*

NFC: San Francisco 49ers at Atlanta Falcons

Future King. (Getty)

Future King. (Getty)

The 49ers made a smart play taking LaMichael James in the 2012 draft. Kid is a future king, and even though he rode the bench for most of the season, he unleashed a key 62-yard kick return to help the Niners outlast the Patriots in December. He’s been making the most of his limited role in the playoffs. I cannot wait to see what he does in the next few years; his speed is spectacular, he’s got great vision, and good hands.

On the other side of the field, Atlanta’s got a wide receiver out of Oregon named DJ Davis. Never heard of him. And their star running back, Jacquizz Rogers, is from Oregon State–blech.

EDGE: NINERS    Final score: 49ers 34, Atlanta 31

So there it is, folks. The most objective, informative playoff preview you’ll see today. Enjoy the games. I’ll be curled in the fetal position somewhere with the sound off.    [JMS]

Tuesday Morning Quarterback: Bootleggers and Crazy Endings

Posted: January 16, 2013 in Love Letters, NFL, Reviews, Tuesday Morning Quarterback
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Classic Game. Classic Faces. (Getty)

Classic Game. Classic Faces. (Getty)

Hooo-eee, football fans, what a weekend! Two instant classic games. One coming-out party for a quarterback (and offense) of the future. And one game that the Pats won.

Now, in the interest of full disclosure, I should admit that I went 0 of 4 in picking winners this week, and thus, have no clear team to cheer on through the Superbowl. Dean, as a true Seahawks fan, is in a similar predicament. I plan to identify a quote-unquote team (in a lengthy, rambling discourse) later this week. It’s possible that Dean will just wear his Marshawn Lynch jersey in a sullen, drunken rage for the rest of the season. Can’t blame him.

I don’t think I watched a more entertaining, well-played, exciting game this season than the epic tilt that took place Saturday in the Mile High City. The Broncos were electrified by Trindon Holliday, punt returning stud, and Ravens wide receiver Torrey Smith beat the pants off Champ Bailey every chance he got. I was devastated that John Fox coached to not-lose with the greatest living QB under center, but there’s always next year. And although I was cheering for Aaron Rodgers, the chip on his shoulder, and his beautiful blue eyes, Colin Kaepernick was just, just, incredible, torching the Green Bay defense for a record-setting 181 yards ON THE GROUND, threw for another 286, and had four TDs by the end of that long night in Candlestick. Then on Sunday, RUSSELL WILSON and his young Hawks stormed back from a 20-point deficit against Atlanta, just to watch it slip away with a failed ice-the-kicker attempt from their coach. COACHES! BOO!

Also, the Patriots won. Moving on.

PLAY OF THE WEEK

There are so many plays that were amazing over the weekend, so much so that I have no idea where to begin. Like, do I talk about Torrey Smith’s ridiculous 59 yard-touchdown pass. Or his 32-yard touchdown pass. Or Tindon Holliday’s 104-yard kick return. Or his 90-yard punt return for a touchdown. Or Sam Shields’ 52-yard interception return for a touchdown. Or Frank Gore’s 45-yard touchdown. Or Colin Kaepernick’s 18 touchdowns. Well, the moral of the story is THIS WEEKEND WAS FUCKING CRAZY. And enjoyable, minus the last 30 seconds of the Seattle/Atlanta game. But the BEST play of the week was this one. Oh, Golden Tate, I love you. I promise.

TUESDAY MORNING QUARTERBACK: BOOTLEGGER

Tasteful. Cool.

Tasteful. Cool.

Dean and I ventured into East Village on Sunday to enjoy the atmosphere, iced tea, and general awesomeness of Bootlegger Bar & Restaurant. I’ll admit, I was hesitant; I’m not a huge fan of 21 year-olds, terrible parking, and dickish behavior, but I’m happy to report I found none of those things here. Bootlegger has this great old-time southern atmosphere, from the menus to the art to the big wooden tables, blended with an urban edge–cheap shots when the #4 Fire Engine roars by, a DJ who spins tunes during the football commercials. Also, street parking was easy. Hurray!

TVs: Tons! Including a projection screen against one wall, banks of tvs above the square bar, and tvs on the walls. Also, there was a great alcove area (filled with Seahawks fans, to Dean’s delight) with a big screen. No bad seats in this house.

Drink: Quality. Iced tea was brewed, strong, served in a glass carafe. Drink specials included $5 Bloody Marys, which were perfect once you added a dash of tabasco, and $4 Dos Equis, served in heavy, handled glass mugs. We drank those. Enough of those that our waitress joked we’d had half the keg. I think she was joking. (She was joking, right??)

Maybe she wasn't joking.

Maybe she wasn’t joking.

Food: Oh, it was good. I had the biscuits & gravy, which was served with thick-slab (and they meant SLAB) bacon, eggs, and potatoes. Delicious. Second only to the Small Bar biscuits and gravy west of the…Sierras. Dean loved his enormous breakfast burrito, and honored Halftimes guest Ty enjoyed her burger, served medium rare with an over-medium egg. About $11 for the brunch items, and we didn’t eat again all day. (Maybe that was a mistake?)

Service: Good. Our waitress was friendly and available, the bartenders were good-looking, especially that one guy, and the bussers were attentive.

Crowd: The early-morning crowd was great. 30-something football fans, wearing jerseys. Cute guys in paint-covered hoodies–off the night shift? Downtown dwellers out for a morning brunch. Around 1:00, the crowd shifted–all of a sudden, there was a bouncer, a bathroom attendant, hipster boys with chest tattoos and hipster girls moving in packs, wearing matching knitted beanies. It got crowded quick, and loud quick, and less fun quick.

Recommendation: Come for the morning game! It’s a really fun bar. Did we mention the amazing DJ, spinning old-school rap during the commercial breaks? Did we mention the Old Milwaukee painted ads on the back wall? Great. And leave as soon as the fourth quarter is finished, unless you want to be surrounded by the Gaslamp District’s hangover.

LOVE LETTER TO RUSSELL WILSON

Winners in my book. Winners for the future.

Winners in my book. Winners for the future. 

Hey Russ,

Man, did you kill it last week. I mean, a 20 point deficit?! And after you lost, you said some of the classiest things ever. 99 out of 100 times you would have beaten Atlanta, and even though you know that deep down in your heart, you were looking ahead, to the future, to carry your team to glory next year. And the year after. And the year after that. (Hey, I have high hopes.) Not only that, but you are looking to get ten times better. Ten times better?! On an off-day you already are ten times better than Matt Ryan! Gosh, your motivation is inspiring. It inspires me to want to revise my poems, and it is nearly impossible to motivate/inspire me to revise poems. Like, if I could be the poet version of you, I would have, like, five books published by now. And they would be innovative, and daring, and fresh, and young. I will miss watching you and the Hawks every Sunday, but luckily I have Girls, then Game of Thrones, then True Blood. So really, HBO is the only thing I have until your return. So please, return soon. And when you return, boy will I, and Seattle, be ready.

BAD LIP READING

[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Zce-QT7MGSE&sns=em]

This is one of the best things ever. Better than ESPN’s review on Monday. #win

Elite Eight Weekend: AFC

Posted: January 12, 2013 in NFL
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You call it. (Getty)

You call it. (Getty)

[So, ok, I know "Elite Eight" is a college basketball thing. But it applies here! You think "Divisional Round" has a better ring? You crazzzy.]

Kicking us off in the AFC during this Elite Eight weekend of football are the 13-3 Denver Broncos, who play host to the 10-6 Baltimore Ravens. The Broncos…what’s the word?… shellacked the Ravens in the Week 15 game, blasting out to a 31-3 lead, and ending with a final score of 34-17.

What do we think? Oh, those poor Ravens. First, they send out Ray Lewis in style by crushing the playoff run of a man who’s battling cancer (#Chuckstrong!). Now, they travel to the notoriously thin air of Denver (funny how sportsnewspeople only started talking about altitude when the Broncos started winning) to re-face a man who’s battled his way back from four neck surgeries and is playing the best football of ever. (Hmm. Was that an objective statement?) Look, the popular Ravens-related stat right now is that Joe Flacco is like the first QB to win a playoff game in his first five seasons. Woo-hoo. You know what he hasn’t won in those five seasons? A mother-fucking Superbowl. And the Manning at the helm of the Broncos has won one and appeared in another. (Fine, the Superbowl win was ’06. Still.) Final score: Ravens 21, Broncos 35.

Run, baby. (Getty)

Run, baby. (Getty)

The second AFC game this weekend is another rematch: the 12-4 Houston Texans head north to face the fucking 12-4 New England Patriots. Their previous meeting was an embarrassment for the Texans, who were never a factor in the 42-14 loss. Yes, the whole team was never a factor. You heard me.

What do we think? Listen, I’m no dummy. The smart money is on the Patriots, and you can read all the logical, statistical reasons here. But I’m siding with Rembert Browne today: the Texans will win because I FEEL that they will win. (So, he was writing about the Falcons. He’s young.) What causes me to have this belief? To defy the numbers people? History? Belichick’s playoff power? I’ll tell you what: Arian Foster changed his Twitter avatar! To a direct quote of an article by a Boston sportswriter calling the Texans fradulent! And Foster offered no commentary on this change, which leads me to feel that he’s going to run right over the Patriots on Sunday. Don’t try and argue with my feelings. I also feel that JJ Watt will sack Tom Brady 45 times. Final score: Houston 27, Patriots 24.    [JMS]

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