Mama, may I? (Getty)
Oh my gosh, football fans, how excited are we for the Superbowl?!?! Dean and I are having the toughest time deciding where to watch a shiny new NFC power take on a proven, battle-tested AFC squad. How will Russell Wilson fare against corners like Ike Taylor and free safety/ super human Troy Polamalu?? Will Big Ben and his elite receivers be able to torch the scrappy Seattle defense? Can the Steelers defense contain BeastMode Lynch?
Wait, what’s that? Seattle and Pittsburgh aren’t facing off in the New Orleans-hosted Superbowl? In fact, the Steelers didn’t even make the g*damn playoffs? In fact, the entire city of Seattle had its heart broken by a last-second, second-time’s-a-charm field goal? Well, shit. No wonder I’ve been so depressed and have been neglecting this blog.
So the question we face now, legions of football fans with no horse in the race, is how to get EXCITED about the BIGGEST GAME of the YEAR! (Step one: lots of capitalizations and exclamation points.) Dean and I will be posting a few ideas over the coming days. For today, here’s my little wish list of things I’d like from this Superbowl. What’s on your list? LEAVE YOUR LIST IN THE COMMENTS!!!! (excitement.)
1. LaMichael James scores two touchdowns.
Future King. (Getty)
Yes. That is my number one wish. I know I’ve written many words about this young running back out of Oregon, but he’s worthy of them all. Even though his Twitter feed is a little weird.
2. We see Colin Kaepernick without his shirt on.
And I’m not talking about in the locker room. Like, someone rips his jersey on the field. Man’s got some sweet tats. See image above.
3. Ray Lewis gets a massive leg cramp doing that ridiculous dance.
I am a STEELERS FAN.
4. A sports broadcaster gets tongue-tied making jokes.
There is a guy in Vegas whose job it’ll be to count the number of times these phrases are used: Harbaugh Bowl. Har Bowl. Super Baugh. Say this four times fast, excited, and a little dumb, like a sportscaster: Harbowl! Harbowl! Harbowl! Harbowl! It sounds like HORRIBLE. SUPER BOO!
5. Someone at Hamilton’s buys me a drink.
Good odds on this one, lads. Good odds.
What’s your big wish for this BIG GAME? [JMS]
I’m a woman of simple tastes. The only things I need from Superbowl Sunday are a carafe of Jack Daniels lemonade and a burger. We’re going back to Sneak Joint, right???
I wish for good snacks and funny commercials and that LaMichael makes the DUCKS proud!
Oh, mother. It’s the simple things.